It took 23 days to feel human again. 24 to finally be ready to leave the house for something other than a doctors appointment.
Yesterday was the first day that I could walk through my house and feel “normal”. It was a fabulous feeling to realize I was feeling pretty normal. Now don’t get me wrong, I still have pains and discomfort, I still feel tired and weak, but…I don’t feel so tired/weak/sore to function and that is HUGE!!!
Today I woke up feeling good enough to ask the hubs if we could go to Target tomorrow and walk around. Instead of begrudgingly saying yes, he told me to finish getting ready and we’d go today! Whoo hoo!!! So we did just that. Of course it took us twice as long as I expected to get us all dressed, fed, packed and in the car, but we got there! We walked the ENTIRE STORE! I kept asking myself, “you feeling up for this??” and the answer was YES so we kept going. Landon slept the entire time — we did have to push the cart back and forth some while we were stopped in areas– and Emilie was a great shopper knowing she would get to pick a “special treat” today.
In just 3 1/2 weeks she has become such a good big sister!! She made up a little song she sings when he cries to calm him (it doesn’t work), she kisses his little head when he fusses to calm him (it rarely works), and she is quick to grab something to help mommy. She’ll even grab his binky and help him get it in his mouth when he fusses (this is not always good). She of course has her moments when she acts out, especially while I’m nursing because she knows I’m tethered to the baby and at her mercy, but overall she is doing an amazing job adjusting to our new family member. In fact, the other day she told me that she “likes baby brother because he’s soooo cute”. I happen to agree! So as a special treat to reinforce that we appreciated her good behavior she got to pick out a new toy at Target. She was thrilled! The smile on her face made my day.
I only have four weeks left of my maternity leave. I do NOT understand how that is true, how half my time is up. But I have to remind myself that four weeks really is a long time and now that I’m feeling better it will be four more enjoyable weeks. I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to juggle adding work back into my life, but I’m just going to not think about it for a while.
Seems like the mature thing to do…ignore it, lol!!
This parenting two thing is tough! I’m not going to lie. It’s worth it, I love both of these little ones like crazy but it’s moments like bedtime when Landon is fussing and Emilie needs me to go through her routine with her that make my head spin. Do I keep her up later until he calms? Do I let him scream and pay attention to her? What’s the right answer?? I honestly don’t think there is one. The only “answer” I can come up with is to do what seems appropriate to that exact moment. So some nights bedtime routine doesn’t go as planned and some times Landon cries longer than I’d prefer my three week old baby to cry. But juggling two kids who equally need my attention and neither really understands when it’s not their turn is tough. The best thing I can do is just do SOMETHING and try not to feel guilty about my choice.
The guilt isn’t good for anyone. I had a few moments last week where I was just reduced to tears. One in particular I was trying to read Em her three bedtime books and Landon had woken up. I tried to appease him with a binky and snuggle while we read but he wasn’t having it. I couldn’t read over the screaming. I finally had to give up and ask Em to get out of bed and come back to the living room with me to feed baby brother. I sat on the couch in tears that I couldn’t just get my baby girl in bed the way she’s used to. She looked up at me and said, “Oh Mommy, do not cry, it’s ok”. Sweet sweet girl…of course that made me cry even more! LOL Most nights haven’t been that bad, but there have been several rough ones so far and I can only expect many more. My goal is just to handle the situation and try not to feel guilty about whatever decisions I have to make to get us through the day. In time it will get easier.
It has to!
This is my glimmer of hope…proof that great changes can happen in short periods of time.
Now the zoom is different so it probably looks a little more drastic than it is, but he’s grown so much we’ve already had the remove the infant “cushion” added to his seat! Told you he’s a good eater! LOL